My biggest fear is of myself. After I recognized God’s calling on my life, I’ve been afraid that I won’t go after it, that I will let my comfort and desires get in the way of God’s plan. It’s scares me to think about it because my life is ultimately worthless if I don’t go after this. But even bigger than this struggle is the thought of going out there and being the missionary God wants me to be and failing because I can’t do it.
I have always lacked confidence because of many reasons. The first would be that I always beat myself up. I find so many things that I am not doing or that I am doing wrong and I pick on myself till I feel satisfied that I’ve overcome. The thing is, I do not motivate, I mentally beat myself up. The second would be this: I sometimes feel like being confident is a bad thing. There is a very fine line between confidence and pride. A lot of times, I also think that because I am imperfect, I have no reason to be confident because I won’t be able to do anything right.
Although some of this is true to an extent, I never look at the picture right. It is true that I am nothing in and of myself. I have no good thing to offer anyone and I will always fail. It is also equally true that I will never be perfect, that I will always bade an area that needs fixed, but what I don’t remember is that Jesus has got it all. I’m trying to find the answers in myself. And I look for the right tools and talents that I need in my finite supply. Jesus is the only place I can get good things and it’s only through him that I can do anything good. God has called me to go to Africa, to be a mama to orphans, and so He will supply me with everything that I need.
The trouble with relying on me is that I forget about God and His power. I need to not fear, I need only to place all of my confidence in Him. I need to trust Him and rely on Him for everything. This is what He wants from me; this is what He demands, because I am His daughter. God will never leave me. He will not lead me somewhere and then tell me to be everything He needs.
People call it self-confidence. I think I will call it Jesus-confidence.
Do not tremble; do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim my purposes for you long ago? You are my witness – is there any other God? No! there is no other Rock – not one! – Isaiah 44:8
I will go before you, Cyrus, and level the mountains. I will smash down the gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. . . And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of Jacob my servant, Israel my chosen one.I am the Lord; there is no other God.I have equipped you for battle.- Isaiah 45: 2, 4-5